S3 alternative for clouded_heart

[thoughtbubble]

The nuns urge him to stay still but Matt starts walking very slowly with a cane as soon as his legs no longer give away whenever he stands. Stubborn as he is, even with nowhere to go, he leaves his bed and the wheelchair behind to pace in the halls while kids play outside. His body resists the movement, stiff joints, soreness, and sudden sharp pains in muscles and shooting through wounds, before subsiding when he clutches his side or shifts to the other foot. With his powers missing, everything seems muffled, like he's trapped in a giant container and can't truly touch the outside world. He wonders if he'll ever be able to get his gift back, if maybe God decided he didn't deserve it.

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[blessmefather]

That revelation is enough to make his heart jump in his chest, sending a dizzying wave through his fragile body. His hold on Foggy goes tighter again.

"I- I thought you wanted the vigilante and your best friend to be separate people," he says cautiously, like he might have misunderstood Foggy just now. He had been convinced when they were at their worst. "I thought you couldn't accept it. And you might... Blame me, like I blame myself, for the danger. For what happened to Karen and the other people at the warehouse... For what happened to you."

[clouded_heart]

"Oh, Matty. No. No. It was never about that." Had it been hard? Of course. Hard was no reason to stop. "You really thought I was ending the partnership because you wouldn't stop your night stuff?" He had thought he was being clear about why he was ending it but just maybe, he'd been unclear. Unclear in Matt's language.

"Hey, is there somewhere we can sit down? I don't think you're meant to be walking around with those injuries yet." He looks around and then back where Matt came from. "Come on, I'm not going anywhere, but I want you resting."

[blessmefather]

Very unclear if Matt's worn and puzzled expression is anything to go on. His aching legs agree with the idea that they sit down soon and he steadies his weight against the cane again.

"Uh yeah. There's a... Room back here I've been staying in." He turns a little to gesture behind him back through the doorway to the hall. It's one of the rooms packed with beds, not the one he had been in growing up, but innately familiar nonetheless.

[clouded_heart]

"Okay, give me an arm, that cane isn't made for leaning on and you know it." Foggy takes Matt's hand and wraps it around his own, to let him lean on Foggy, and let himself be guided (not that Matt ever really needs it). "Come on. Horizontal time for you, then we can talk more."

It's at least easy to find the right room and bed. The nuns are keeping everything as clean and neat as possible, but there's tell tale marks of Matt's injuries, treatment and frustration if you know how to look.

[blessmefather]

"Thanks," Matt murmurs as he moves with Foggy so he can lean some weight on him while they walk. Matt was stubborn enough to pace in the hall but not stubborn enough to make his bed perfect. It's easy to spot the one with the wrinkles, sheets pulled up lopsided, and the bandage roll on the nearby stand in the lineup of otherwise perfectly presented beds. Matt holds back a groan when he bends to sit on the bed but his face wrinkles and says plenty on its own. Some of the skin of his torso peaks out from under the sweatshirt he has on when he bends, showing bruises and scrapes that are still healing, and the edge of a dressed wound.

[clouded_heart]

Foggy helps Matt back onto the bed and immediately starts trying to get him to lie down instead, because even sitting has to be aggravating those wounds on him. "I'll sit, you can lie back and let yourself focus on being able to breathe." He also starts fussing with the sheets, trying to arrange them over Matt, smoothed down.

"Can you, tell me what you think happened. I need to know what you think before I can start trying to explain things." Because he had thought he was clear, but he apparently wasn't and so he needs to re-calibrate where they both are about what happened.

[blessmefather]

Matt gives in- his body agrees with Foggy's suggestion and his head feels heavier at the suggestion he lie down. He lies on his back and tries to relax in spite of the sore areas in his torso that can't be helped.

Was the last time Foggy helped him out like this after Castle took a shot at him? That had devolved into an argument, one of the ones that had made him so sure about what Foggy was or wasn't against.

"I knew you were worried, that it got worse when Castle started killing. When he was turned in, when we started talking about taking his case, I was trying to take a break from it. That's why I made it to Josie's with you, that's why I thought I'd try to date Karen. I hoped that things between you and me would get better. I knew that the Castle case was risky, I knew you were uncomfortable, I could tell that you were stressing about it." He has to pause and grimaces, thinking about how badly he proceeded, how it went nothing like he had planned, the guilt is nowhere near done eating at him.

"And I failed you. I put the mask back on. I let my guard down and..." He shakes his head. He should have known better. "I wasn't there when I should have been. And Elektra messed with the case and I should have seen it coming."

[clouded_heart]

Foggy watches the way Matt lays himself down and then fetches another pillow from a different bed, tucking it in against Matt's hip and side to take a bit of the strain off, let him stop twisting into it with pain.

Frank Castle. That was a clusterfuck and a half. And no, Matt's behaviour with himself and Karen had not helped. "You begged us to take the Castle case, to defend him. And I did. And then you left it basically all up to me. All the research, all the interviews he'd allow, the medical reports, the psychologists, I had to do everything on my own for a case I didn't even want to take. That was really unfair on me, professionally. And then when you went and blew the whole thing out of the water after the weeks of work I put into everything, that I managed to find a way to plea incapable without relying on PTSD, which he wouldn't allow, that really gutted me. That case would have made our firm." If Matt had let it.

He's not ready to talk about Elektra yet. He has a lot of resentment to her and she's dead, so it doesn't do any good.

"The only time I really wanted you there was in hospital, after I was shot. I woke up and Karen was there. I had a time that Marci was there. And I kept asking them and the staff if you'd been to visit and-"

He trails off.

Matt had never visited him in hospital. And sure, Matt was more hurt, regularly, but Matt was insane and Foggy had never been seriously injured before and he'd been scared and wanted his best friend there to reassure him. "I know being shot isn't a big deal to you, but it was to me."

[blessmefather]

"I know. You deserved better, I should have been working beside you on the case the entire time. I regret how that whole thing turned out. If it hadn't been for you it would have gone nowhere." Matt wraps an arm around his side. The upset made his breathing pick up and it strained his side.

Foggy might not be ready to talk about Elektra but Matt can't leave her out of his story. "I thought Elektra was going to do something bad- I couldn't trust her to tell me- so I followed her and she lead me right into the war against the Hand. I stood over the hole they were digging at Midland Circle all those months ago, before the building construction was even complete. They were already kidnapping people to use for their ceremonies. I thought that could keep up with the case and do the rest but I was in over my head and I didn't realize until it was too late."

He squeezes his eyes closed. If he had been less stubborn and paused long enough he might have realized, he might have admitted he had bit off too much.

"I'm sorry Foggy."

Foggy focusing on the hospital comes as a surprise though. Matt was going to bring up the attack next but he thought it was the danger in that moment that Foggy would be most upset about, not the aftermath when he thought he should stay away.

"It was a big deal to me that you were hurt," Matt rushes to counter, raising his voice unintentionally. "After I had already messed up the case... and you- you were only there in that office because I asked you to take it. If I hadn't- If I had kept it from getting that bad you never would have been in the line of fire." His voice gets caught in his throat at the thought, tears rising in his eyes.

"I didn't think I could visit you, I-I thought I'd only make it worse showing my face. It was true, what you said, that I was the problem. And maybe if I stayed away, I thought, you'd be safer and better off."

[clouded_heart]

If he'd just listened. But Matt never listened when Elektra was involved. And while Matt can talk about her, Foggy doesn't want to, because he tries not to speak ill of the dead and he knows that Elektra is the great love of Matt's life, the only one who ever understood him.

"I wasn't upset at you because some nutcase that wasn't Frank Castle shot us up. I was a bit upset that you ran off while they were still loading me into the ambulance but, I got it. You needed to chase it while it was still hot. And I was going into surgery anyway." And then he'd come to after surgery. And after that.

Elektra turns up and Matt gets dumber and more self destructive than ever and Foggy doesn't like who Matt is with her, but he can't say that.

"You were on the visitor list. Allowed people. Family, you, Marci, Brett and Karen." Foggy looks to Matt's face and can't help himself, reaching to brush a thumb under one eye and swipe away tears. He knows he's crying himself, but he keeps his voice steady and his tears from hitting Matt. (As though that makes any difference with Matt's senses.)

[blessmefather]

Matt grimaces, berating himself for not asking someone if Foggy wanted to see him at the hospital. He didn't want to ask, he didn't want to hear that Foggy was too angry to see him. Or something worse.

"I thought I'd upset you if I showed up and you were already hurt... I stayed on the roof of the hospital and listened, waited for Claire to tell me the details. I was worried for you, Foggy."

[clouded_heart]

Knowing Matt had been listening, did care, it's a bit of cold comfort because he hadn't known that then. "I told myself you had more pressing things to deal with. And then that there was other stuff you had to clean up after the ninja thing."

He had sort of assumed that Elektra had distracted him. It's an unkind thought and he knows it. But then Matty wasn't always kind when he was with her.

"The whole debacle sort of, felt like you prioritising other things over our partnership and friendship," he admits softly, maybe too softly. No such thing with Matt.

[blessmefather]

"By then I honestly wasn't sure if you wanted to be friends any more. I was worrying that you'd say that. Even after the firm shut. I wasn't sure that wouldn't come out of your mouth."

He takes a slow breath, trying to ignore how the thought alone stings.

[clouded_heart]

"Matty, we're not 'friends'. We're family." He doesn't leave a pause, no space for Matt to think he's saying it's over or anything like that. "I'm not saying everything will just be magically back how it was before... well, before what, I don't even know anymore. But I'm not going anywhere, okay?"

In his mind, he never went anywhere. He just... stopped clinging to Matt. Who, in turn, held onto Elektra and got swept up in her all over again.

"I'm sorry you lost her. I know how you feel about her." He hopes who 'her' is is obvious.

[blessmefather]

Foggy's answer is too much for Matt's weak resolve not to really cry. The breath he takes to calm himself trembles audibly and breaks off into a barely repressed sob as his eyes fill with tears. His chest and torso sting where his muscles clench and when he inhales too sharply. He stirs without thinking, reaching to wipe his face, trying to cover it, turning aside against his back and shoulders objecting to the position.

"I shouldn't..." He doesn't specify what he's thinking but the next words makes it possible to guess. "You're too good for me."

[clouded_heart]

Matt hates crying in front of people. Foggy knows that. He also knows that he's not going anywhere and not letting Matt hurt himself. He can't haul him upright and risk hurting him, so he goes for the only option he can think of.

He shifts and folds down over Matt, hugging him without him sitting up, not letting his weight rest on him, but pressed close as he dares, head resting lightly on Matt's upper chest. "If that was true, you wouldn't have ended up where you did."

[blessmefather]

He doesn't have the heart to try pushing Foggy away, he goes still so he doesn't shove a shoulder or elbow in Foggy's face. He wipes his eyes but his tears get quickly replaced.

"Ended up where, here?" He can't think of a place or position that proved he was the kind of friend he wishes he had behaved like. The old man's voice intruding on his thoughts often lately never helped when he was trying to be optimistic, especially about himself.

"I never wanted to hurt you, Fog. After everything, the last thing I want is to make it worse. I don't know if I can come back."

[clouded_heart]

"No. In that hole and seeing no other viable option. Everything before it. I don't even know." He settles himself where he is, pinning Matt under the threat of his weight against him.

"I know you didn't want to hurt me. The only person you ever seem intent on hurting is you." And criminals. Like the man who was abusing his daughter that started this off again. And he can admit "again" because this was Matt's childhood and that's a whole other kettle of fish that Foggy wants to beat that man with.

"Matt, you believe in second chances. Let yourself have one."

[blessmefather]

How much did they tell him about what happened down there? Nobody else had seen the most secret moment, when Elektra was beating him and something in him agreed with her that his life would either last the minutes left before the cave collapsed or it would dry up and leave him empty and alone as soon as he made it to the exit. It was his secret, but Foggy knows him well and even the others, Jones especially, had seen some parts of him few knew, and he isn't about to underestimate their insight.

"How do I live both lives without hurting you? And how do I keep you or Karen from being the next ones in a grave?"

[clouded_heart]

Foggy wanted to sit up and let Matt rest his head on his leg, like when Matt got too drunk and dizzy in college, and Foggy would heft him over and lay him down and pet his face because drunk Foggy did that to drunk Matt.

"Matty... No one can live without hurting anyone. Even without your other life, things can happen. You might get hurt related to a case. I might get hurt because of a case, even now. I represented Luke Cage. I still handle Jessica Jones. A drunk driver might take out Josie's while we're drinking." He lets his head rest a bit more on Matt. "I'm not saying it will be easy. I'm saying that not having you in my life has been a lot harder than dealing with... the devil."

[blessmefather]

"I didn't think it was possible for you to accept that part of me. Can you really be happy knowing?" he asks, his frown souring a little with doubt. He swallows and tries to look resolved, though his vulnerability is in plain view behind his big wet eyes. "It's a part of me that I need... And I- I don't know if you'll understand it someday, you might never. But I need to know that we're going to be okay, that we're not going to go back to how it was before."

[clouded_heart]

"I know." With or without Matt, he knows. He sits up again, brushing his fingers through Matt's hair softly. "Here's what I know as well. Having you not there made me miserable. And having you dead... I have nightmares, Matt. I haven't slept a whole night since you died. So, no, I won't always be happy and I might not ever understand in the way she did, but I will set lines professionally so we don't end up with the Castle case situation again and you will not hide things from me, I need that from you, Matty.

"I won't be happy when you come back and need stitching up but I will damn well learn how to do it and tell you off for me needing to do it and be much, much happier knowing what's going on and being allowed to help you with it."

It feels strange and not quite wrong, but not entirely right yet to lay down the law but they need it. Matt can't do it.

"Okay? Can we try that?"

[blessmefather]

It's quiet but Matt gives a sharp inhale when Foggy tells him about the nightmares. It shouldn't be such a surprise, not logically, but enough reality finally slips in past the illusions his depression and past experiences put in his head that something clicks. He had misinterpreted Foggy's thoughts and feelings.

He nods his head, biting his lip, blinking back tears.

"I've missed you, Foggy," he confesses, finally. Since before.

[clouded_heart]

"I missed you too, Matty," Foggy whispers. Since before.

He sniffs and wipes his face. "Okay. You need more rest and probably painkillers, some of those nice mild ones you like because they don't make you fuzzy. I'm going to go find one of the sisters to get you those things. I can bring some of your stuff for you, more comfortable clothes, some of your books, something to listen to, sound good?"

[blessmefather]

The corners of Matt's mouth raise in a shaky smile and he nods his head at him. Things can improve, they don't have to repeat, he can be better, right? Foggy at least is willing to give him a second chance, and he'll never forgive himself if he wastes it. Especially when it's the one glimmer of hope to stir in him since he woke up.

Foggy volunteers to get him some things, and it might have felt more like a memory from a sick day in college if the fatigue and pain weren't so bad. "Sure, I bet the sisters will appreciate it too." Someone actually surmounted his stubborn attitude?

"I uh- There's something I should mention," Matt realizes. "Don't worry, it's not- not about us. Just so we're on the same page." He swallows, doing his best to ignore the voice in his head that wants to shout his anger and pain. He frowns and takes a breath.

"My powers are gone. I haven't been able to feel or hear anything like normal since I woke up."